Orioles Introduce New Rally Mascot for 2012

With the smell of gun powder, stale Budweiser and provel cheese still permeating downtown St. Louis after the Cardinals capped an improbable season by winning Game 7 of the World Series on Saturday, one thing remains crystal clear:  The red birds could not have done it without….the rally squirrel.

Whether or not the wayward squirrel had anything to do with the outcome of this year’s MLB (#)postseason is anyone’s guess, but one can’t deny two facts. 1) the squirrel showed up of its own accord and 2) the Cardinals won the World Series.

I don't always wear an inflatable squirrel costume, but when I do, I smoke Marlboro Lights

This, of course, is not the first time a rally mascot has captured the hearts of a fan base and led to team triumph.  In the fall of 2002, the Anaheim Angels rode the wave of prosperity generated by the two year-old phenomenon known as the “Rally Monkey” to come from behind and beat the San Francisco Giants in dramatic fashion to capture their first World Series title.

Not that they overdid it or anything

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Luke Warm Linkage

Smells like everyone missed the joke.

Luke Warm Linkage

That boat had it coming.

Luke Warm Linkage

Winner winner chicken dinner.

An Open Letter to All New York Yankees Fans

Dear Yankees fans,
We just wanted to take this moment and tell you that we feel for you.  The fact that you will not get to celebrate your 28th World Championship this year.   A measly 27 will have to do for another season at least.

Keep your chins up*.

Sincerely,

The Jerks

$3 million per tear

* – this makes it easier to swallow that handful of sleeping pills…which you should totally do.

Yankees Win World Series; Dismantle Team

A lot of things had changed in baseball since since the New York Yankees last won the World Series in 2000.

mlb_g_celebration12_576

In that time, the Yankees’ hated rivals, the Boston Red Sox, finally broke the 86 year-old “Curse of the Bambino” by winning the championship in historic fashion…and then again 3 years later just to make it stick.  The Expos became the Nationals.  The Chicago Cubs blamed some kid for their own ineptness as a team.  The Arizona Diamondbacks, Colorado Rockies and Tampa Bay Rays  became the second, third and fourth teams, respectively, from the 90′s expansions to reach the World Series.  And the first team to do so, the Florida Marlins, not only made it back to the Series for a second time, but won it again in as many trips.  And just like when they won it all in 1997, the Marlins immediately disbanded their team the next season and started the rebuilding process all over again.

Well, it seems as though the Yankees are willing to admit to change and follow suit.

This morning it was announced that, in the wake of last night’s victory over the Philadelphia Phillies in Game 6, the Yankees have decided to either trade or release a number of popular and productive players for the 2010 season.  Critics argue that the move may be a bit hasty.  New York’s General Manager, Brian Cashman, defended the team’s reasoning.  “We have worked so hard to get back to this point.  The goal was, and always has been, to win the World Series.  And now that we have accomplished that, there is no need to continue throwing hundreds of millions of dollars at players.  We won.  We will move on,”  Cashman wrote in an official statement.

“The wildly inappropriate measures we took to ensure this victory have paid off.  We are thrilled about it, but no longer feel the need to continue (buying players that other teams can’t afford),” the statement read.

Players affected by this sudden shift to South Florida-style organizational management are not known at this time, but several names have been speculated.  Among these names are Alex Rodriguez (3B), C.C. Sabathia (P), Mark Teixeira (1B), A.J. Burnett (P) and Jorge Posada (C).  If true, the vacancies left behind by these players would leave the Yankees with a surplus of nearly $726 million.

When asked what the organization would do with the money, Cashman offered no official plan.  “We have discussed potentially donating the money to organizations comitted to building wells for safe drinking water in Africa.  We believe the money would completely end the problem of contaminated drinking water in no fewer than 12 African countries almost immediately,” Cashman told members of the media outside of Yankee Stadium.  He then added “But, we will probably just make a new list of players we want to sign and throw that money at them.  You have no idea how exciting it is to player shop like we have done in the past.  There is no other rush quite like it.  I think that’s what makes the game fun.”

Maybe next year, Damiano.  Maybe next year.

Maybe next year, Damiano. Maybe next year.

Baseball Admits Playoff Scheduling Part of Pity Marketing Strategy

Bud Selig tries desperately to ignore a question at today's announcement.

Bud Selig tries desperately to ignore a question at today's announcement.

In a shocking move today, Major League Baseball Interim Commissioner for life Bud Selig announced that the bizarre scheduling of this year’s Playoffs was not merely blatant ineptness as most observers believed, but part of a marketing strategy aimed at making NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman seem marginally less inept.

”Gary and I have been friends for a long time,” Selig said today. “We have had a number of long discussions about how frustrating it is running the most obscure ‘major’ sport in North America and this is sort of what we came up with.”

When discussions first arose between Selig and Bettman about how to make “America’s Pastime” more obscure than hockey, even Selig wasn’t sure it would be possible.

“It was right after 1998,” Selig said. “We had just had the big home run chase. People were flocking to ballparks. And everybody on Earth knew the names of our big stars. I told Gary I wanted to help, but that it might not be possible.”

The key to the plan, it turns out, was to OVER-expose the league. Major League Baseball managed to get six games a week on ESPN. It seemed baseball was about to boom, but exactly the opposite happened.

“Once people really saw how horrible our product was, especially when we had to clean up the steroids, the slide was almost inevitable,” Selig said.

But as fewer and fewer fans watched baseball on TV, the one part of the season that seemed difficult to kill was the Playoffs.

“It’s just like any other sport,” Selig explained, “especially ones like ours with an insufferably long, nearly meaningless regular season; people tend to tune back in for the Playoffs in big numbers. And with our ridiculous economic structure that ensures that the teams from the biggest cities make the Playoffs, we knew it would be hard to get people to quit watching.” Continue reading

World Series CV

That’s a latin numeral (105), not a latin abbreviation (curriculum vitae). Pretty much the only disappointed people were the 10 million who insist on living in a desert along the southwest Pacific Coast. So, this is the best possible match-up for 96.7% of America. Guess what, that same percentage of people doesn’t want to share our water with you desert dwellers. At least this time we got our way.

For baseball fans this is as exciting as it gets. The 105th World Series kicks off Wednesday night. For baseball haters, the 6 week stretch when nobody plays baseball will start sometime between November 1st and November 5th.

And clearly, front and center here will be the fans. In New York, the fans will pay approximately $500,000 for a single ticket. In Philly, the fans only get in if there is some residual blood on the ticket spilled from the child they had to beat up to get it. That’s right, it’s the bandwagon vs the overly passionate. The best history vs the most recent history.

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